Aubrey Franklin

This boy is my world. Sometimes I think I might just explode I love him so much. How is it possible to love someone so much?! I think over and over again that I would do ANYTHING for him. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I was so strong at the hospital driving away from him. Or signing the papers for someone else to take my place because I wasn't enough. How did I not just change my mind last second and keep him all for myself. And then I just look at a picture of him and think, "Oh yes, I remember how I was so strong. I know how I found the strength to do what I did." Just look at him and tell me he doesn't deserve the absolute best. It is the hardest thing in the world and my heart is broken in a way I don't know could ever be healed, but seeing this happy face with his amazing family makes my broken heart so worth it. I would make that choice a million more times for him.

Today is a great day. Today is a day where I reflect on my brave, loving, and selfless decision and able to take pride in the fact that I am a birth mother. I spent the evening shopping in Dana Park with my beautiful mom telling her to pick out anything she liked. Then we went to kneaders and got some soup (due to my wisdom teeth its all I can eat), and then accidently going through the Jack in The Box drive through because my mom thought it was kneaders. Ha! You know you're getting old when.... It's okay, at least I got an oreo shake. So it was worth it. It was really a good day. I once read a birth mothers blog. In it, she wrote that her childs adopted mother would write things on her facebook wall that would hurt her such as, "Any woman can just give birth, but it takes a real  mother to raise her child." And I thought about that. I thought about the word real.  She was right in the sense that giving birth does not make someone a real mother. It certainly doesn...

The other day I was driving home from work and I was thinking about what I was going to talk about on my blog today. I planned to add that I have been doing so  good and I don't feel "sad" anymore, but SO much happiness because after all it was all for him and he has everything I could have ever wanted for him. And then last night hit me. I was just laying in my bed, not able to sleep, and just staring at the clock watching it go from 1:15 am all the way to 1:34 am which was the time he was born. My mind was on automatic replaying every detail of Noahs birth and delivery, and at 1:34 am I think to myself "He's here!!!" And then I look around my empty room and look down at my empty arms. And then I was just overcome by so much emotion and sadness. I know, so dramatic right? Lately I've been thinking, "I shouldn't get sad, that's so selfish if I get sad. Its only thinking about ME." But today I realize it is OKAY to be sad sometimes.  I...