My Adoption Story

I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I am a birth mother. And this is my adoption story. I found out I was pregnant December, 2012. Two days after Christmas. For many years, I was struggling. Struggling with finding happiness. Struggling with who I was and who I wanted to be. Struggling with finding my place with my LDS religion I was born and raised into. Struggling with my own personal battles. I wanted to find happiness, and everywhere I looked I couldn't find my place. I couldn't be around people who "uplifted me" because I felt so guilty of the choices I was making at the time. The people I did surround myself with, only just brought me down. I became this person I wasn't raised to be. This person I didn't even recognize anymore. I was lost, confused, and most of all alone. I went to my mother a couple days before Christmas 2012 and told her I wanted to change. I didn't want to feel this way anymore, and I wanted to find myself again. Whatever it took, I just wanted to get better. I was looking forward to the new year. I could start fresh, new, and have a clean slate. But that wasn't the case. I had this feeling, like something was different. Something just felt different. I thought no way I could be pregnant. Mormon girls like me only 19, no job, no future, no husband, shouldn't get pregnant. I mean I was the definition of a wreck. I've always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was a little girl, being a mom was my dream. I had all the names I wanted to name my children picked out by the time I was 12 years old. I knew I had all the love and patience in the world to offer my kids. I knew I would always make sure my children knew how much I love them and how special and great they are. I knew I would be ready with a loving husband by my side, and ready to offer our child as much love as I did. I could not wait for that time to come. Now there I was, multiple positive pregnancy tests in my hands, all alone on the floor in a bathroom stall. Carrying my dream baby inside of me, but all I could feel was an overwhelming amount of emotion. I was scared. I was so scared because I knew I wasn't ready to give my child the home I always dreamed about giving. I wasn't ready to be the mother I wanted to be with my loving husband by my side. This is not what was supposed to be happening. Not at this time. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was alone with my unborn child's biological father no where in the picture.

I felt early on the right thing to do was to place my baby with parents who were ready to be parents. Who were ready to give my baby the dream life I planned on giving. When making my choice I had to figure out what was best for him. Not myself. I did not care about what I had to give up in my current life, like some people may think of birth mothers. I mean, I literally had nothing to give up if I did choose to parent. No friends, no school, no job, no life. I just had to take myself out of the equation and think, "I love my baby, what does my baby deserve"? I believe children are entitled. They are entitled to both a mother AND a father. Who am I to say MY baby doesn't deserve that right.

I didn't want to think about the adoption or even look at potential parents. I just wanted to focus on taking care of myself and my pregnancy. My parents and younger brother found out the day I did, and I leaned on them for all the emotional support I could get. I was terrified to tell my other married siblings. What would they think of me? I told them later on when I couldn't hide it anymore, and I whole heartedly regret not telling them sooner. They were so supportive and they were there for me. Months went by too quickly. My family was in the room with me during my ultrasound to find out the gender. I was SO excited for this day to come. I tried everything in the books to find out myself as early as possible. To wedding rings dangling on a string over my tummy, to Chinese gender calendars. To my surprise, I was carrying a boy! A baby BOY! I couldn't believe it. I was so overcome by so much emotion in that room. Uncontrollable tears we're appearing and escaping my face again and again where I couldn't hold it in if I tried. I felt SO much joy, but so much sadness. I became so extremely connected to my pregnancy from that day on. I tried to soak in every precious minute I had carrying him. I sang to him, talked to him, and constantly rubbed my tummy. As time passed, he grew bigger and as I felt his life living inside of me depending on me, I realized my decision would be the hardest thing I will ever have to go through. I already loved this baby SO much. I felt and knew I would do absolutely anything for him. And that is why I stuck with my decision. I love him so much, I knew I needed to put his needs above my wants. I wanted him so bad. But that would be selfish of me to parent him just because I wanted him. What about that dream I always wanted for my kids? What about that father I wanted for him. If I had the choice in MY hands to give my child MORE than what I could at the time, then I will certainly give it. I will give him everything I can't. It's a hard thing to admit that you aren't the best choice for your own child. Your own flesh and blood. But I knew with all my heart it was true. At this time, I was not the best choice for him. Choosing his family scared me. How in the world was I supposed to find his family he is meant to be with? The family that I have been dreaming he will have. I turned to my Heavenly Father more during this time than I have in my whole life. I was so shocked of how strongly guided I was to the right family. They were HIS family and I knew it without a doubt. They were everything I had hoped for him and after meeting them they were much more. I was so happy for him and grateful I found them. I knew how lucky he would be. An important thing for me was for him to know who I am and always be in his life to tell him how much I love him, and why I chose to place him. To be proud that he was adopted and have two families that love him very much. They knew just how important that was.  Although he will always be my son, I will never be his mom. I will always be his birth mom who sacrificed in his expense, but my role is not to be his mother. He now has a mother and a father. His eternal parents.

The time came when he was ready to be born. My heart went two ways at this time. One, I could not wait to hold him in my arms and for him to be here. The other, I wanted him to be mine as long as humanly possible. On September 6th, 1:34 in the morning, Noah was born. When the doctors handed him to me and I held him in my arms I felt so overwhelmed with love. This is a kind of love I have never before felt. The kind of love where I knew I would die for him, and sacrifice everything. I went through very serious and extremely painful complications after Noah was born, but I will always say that it was so worth it. He was worth every cry, every scream, every ounce of pain I felt and I would go through it all over again in a heart beat. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my entire life. He wasn't even crying when he was born! He had this special spirit about him that was so calming and peaceful. I just felt the most perfect love for him and it was the kind I knew could never diminish. On discharge day, it was by far one of the hardest days of my life. We traveled down to the front of the hospital to say our goodbyes. I will never forget Noah gazing up at me with his tiny little newborn eyes like he was telling me, "I love you, and Thank you." My heart felt nothing but heart broken during this time. I didn't want to part with him. I didn't want to say goodbye. I placed him in his car seat and went into my car and my parents drove away. I was broken. The baby that I had for 9 months, was no longer with me. No longer in my tummy, no longer in my arms. I was leaving empty handed, with an even more empty heart. How was I suppose to just go on? How was I supposed to live my life without him completely in it? There was no way I could prepare for the pain I was feeling. My heart literally hurt and felt completely shattered in pieces. Part of me wanted to just scream "turn around!", but that would have been one of my selfish moments. It's such an unusual feeling to fight humanity and every ounce of your wants and desires to the expense of what is best for someone you love more than anything. The rest of the night was a blur. I was a mess, hysterically crying, and I just wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and just never wake up. This was 4 months ago and I can honestly say I still have those days. And I probably will always get those days. But I can in no way say that I regret my decision. I gave him the life I couldn't give him myself. His family is THE best of the best, and I am so eternally happy and grateful he has them. I will miss him everyday. I know for a fact that there will never be a day in my life when he doesn't cross my mind. No, I do not believe in premarital sex. I know I made some incredibly wrong decisions in my past, but I truly believe Noah was the biggest blessing from my Heavenly Father I could have ever received at the perfect time in my life. God knows me, and he knows what I needed to change my heart.  I will always believe that Noah is my angel that literally saved me. I found myself. I found a rare happiness and love. I found my place. I found myself active in my church and worthy again. That is what the miracle of adoption is. A baby straight from Heaven who saves so many lives. My life, Noah's parents lives, and my familys life. I am SO grateful for the Atonement. I am so grateful for a God who loves me and has forgiven me for my wrong doings. A God who trusted me with one of his precious children to bring into this world and trust me to find his family. I love my Heavenly Father. I love Noah. I love his family. I love my own. I love the Gospel, and I love the blessing the miracle of adoption brings. People can judge me. People can scold me, laugh at me, point fingers at me, and may never understand. But you know what? I don't care. This is my rare love story that formed me. Shaped me into the woman I am today. Isn't that what the atonement is about? Heavenly Fathers Son DIED for our sins. He died for this sin in particular, and has blessed me eternally. How did I get this lucky?