Aubrey Franklin

This boy is my world. Sometimes I think I might just explode I love him so much. How is it possible to love someone so much?! I think over and over again that I would do ANYTHING for him. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I was so strong at the hospital driving away from him. Or signing the papers for someone else to take my place because I wasn't enough. How did I not just change my mind last second and keep him all for myself. And then I just look at a picture of him and think, "Oh yes, I remember how I was so strong. I know how I found the strength to do what I did." Just look at him and tell me he doesn't deserve the absolute best. It is the hardest thing in the world and my heart is broken in a way I don't know could ever be healed, but seeing this happy face with his amazing family makes my broken heart so worth it. I would make that choice a million more times for him.

Today is a great day. Today is a day where I reflect on my brave, loving, and selfless decision and able to take pride in the fact that I am a birth mother. I spent the evening shopping in Dana Park with my beautiful mom telling her to pick out anything she liked. Then we went to kneaders and got some soup (due to my wisdom teeth its all I can eat), and then accidently going through the Jack in The Box drive through because my mom thought it was kneaders. Ha! You know you're getting old when.... It's okay, at least I got an oreo shake. So it was worth it. It was really a good day. I once read a birth mothers blog. In it, she wrote that her childs adopted mother would write things on her facebook wall that would hurt her such as, "Any woman can just give birth, but it takes a real  mother to raise her child." And I thought about that. I thought about the word real.  She was right in the sense that giving birth does not make someone a real mother. It certainly doesn...

The other day I was driving home from work and I was thinking about what I was going to talk about on my blog today. I planned to add that I have been doing so  good and I don't feel "sad" anymore, but SO much happiness because after all it was all for him and he has everything I could have ever wanted for him. And then last night hit me. I was just laying in my bed, not able to sleep, and just staring at the clock watching it go from 1:15 am all the way to 1:34 am which was the time he was born. My mind was on automatic replaying every detail of Noahs birth and delivery, and at 1:34 am I think to myself "He's here!!!" And then I look around my empty room and look down at my empty arms. And then I was just overcome by so much emotion and sadness. I know, so dramatic right? Lately I've been thinking, "I shouldn't get sad, that's so selfish if I get sad. Its only thinking about ME." But today I realize it is OKAY to be sad sometimes.  I...

I'm just having my moment right now. I don't know if I should blame it on a bad day, hormones, or just my adoption opinionated mind but I need a moment to vent. I just watched one of the saddest movies I have ever seen. Let me just take a moment to briefly give a summary of what I just watched. The movie started out with me crying off the bat. The opening was a 16 year old girl crying out in pain and agony delivering a baby girl. It instantly took me back to the hospital of all the pain I went through for Noahs birth. (Pain I would go through again in a heart beat for him) The father of the baby left the mother and her newborn at the hospital for this new teen mom to raise her baby by herself. The movie went on with the teen mom blaming her newborn for ruining her life and selfishly not taking care of her the way she should be. There was constant screaming in the house between the teen mom and her mother and all I could feel was so much sadness and pain for this little newborn ...

Dear _______,                I’ve been thinking a lot abut you lately. Wondering what you’re up to, what you're doing right this very second. Will I just know you're the one, or will it take some time to warm up to each other? Have I met you yet? Are you as excited as I am to spend the rest of eternity together only wanting to bring each other happiness? I don’t know about you, but I am so  excited to spend the rest of eternity with you! I can hardly wait to wake up to you every morning no matter where we are and just feel “home”.   I hope you will always know how much I love you and when you're having a bad day I will be there for you to bring you peace and comfort. I think a lot about how you're going to handle my past. You must be someone who really understands the atonement and that is what I love most about you. You don’t love me despite me already have had a child but you love me because of my story. You recognize that althoug...

Oh my goodness, Noah is 7 months old today! Time is going so fast, but I absolute love seeing how much he has grown up. I feel so thankful for the Danielsons for letting me be a part of his life. I truly am so happy we found eachother. Turns out I needed them as much as they needed me. We have blessed eachothers lives in a way no one on earth will be able to. We have given eachother the greatest joys in the world. That is why I love adoption so much. It truly is amazing. Noah is such a special and sweet little boy. His sweetness just radiates off of him. He is perfection in my eyes! I know that no matter what, my love will never diminish even in the slightest amount. I only want the absolute best for him, and I feel so grateful and happy that he has that! He couldn't be happier in his home and with his family and that brings my heart so  much joy. He is officially sitting up, eating food, and has a couple teeth. It's so amazing to see him becoming this little person who is abl...

Yesterday marked the 17th year my family lost my dad, grandpa, and cousin in a plane accident. There isn't a day I don't think about my dad and wish so many things were different. But then, at the same time, I know his mission here on earth was complete and he has so much more work to do in heaven. I've always felt my dad has always been with me and he is my guardian angel. I truly believe my dad helped me make my decision to place Noah. I like to believe my dad was teaching and preparing Noah to come to this earth and telling him all about me and my love for him. My biggest fear is Noah ever feeling like I abandoned him or didn't want him or love him. But I honestly feel my dad helped him prepare and they were watching over me together to help me place Noah with his family. My dad is such an amazing man. He passed a week before my 4th birthday, but I still remember moments we've had together. And I am so grateful for the memories I do have. I am looking forward to ...